


when i kissed

by sunset_waltz



Category: Hollywood (TV 2020)
Genre: F/M, First Kiss, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:02:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25088104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunset_waltz/pseuds/sunset_waltz
Summary: “That wasn’t so bad, was it?”Jack laughs, but doesn’t answer. All he can think is,It’s nothing like kissing a girl.
Relationships: Archie Coleman/Rock Hudson, Jack Castello/Archie Coleman, Jack Castello/Claire Wood, Jack Castello/Rock Hudson
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	when i kissed

Jack gets the script to Dreamland on a sunny morning. He takes it home — which now pretty much amounts to Claire’s bedroom, and that’s something he intends to change, sooner rather than later — so he can read it by himself. It feels important, somehow, to do it alone.

He’s glad he is alone. The words are as good as they can be — Jack strongly believes that Archie is incapable of ever writing something bad or even just not good — and he falls in love with the story. It’s sweet, and daring, and passionate. It makes him painfully uncomfortable, and he knows his face is contorting in ways he can’t stop. He’s glad he’s alone.

“So, what did you think?” Claire asks that night. They’re having dinner in the dining room, just the two of them. Mrs. Amberg is probably still at the studios, even though a plate is laid out for her. It’s quiet, and posher than he’s used to, though he’s slowly finding himself used to it. His parents would’ve called him shallow, with the way he’s just letting himself be swept away by the grandness. He tries not to dwell on them too much, it’s always better he doesn’t.

“About what?” he asks as Gertie brings in the food.

“The script,” she says, like it’s obvious, but still kindly. She has a way of doing that, of balancing her tone in such a way that it never makes him feel stupid, like she just finds it amusing.

“Oh, it was great,” he says, smiling. It truly was. It was a beautiful love story. “We’re gonna have the first table read next week.”

She smiles at him, reaching out across the table to reach for his hand. He meets her halfway, smiling too. “I hope you have a great time,” she says, squeezing.

“Thank you. How about you, how was your day?”

They talk while they eat, and then they go to the bedroom and make love — they almost don’t make it there, both of them a little drunk and too focused on each other. When Jack falls asleep he does it easily, happy, the script forgotten on his bedside table.

They have their first table reading a week later and it goes well, better than Jack expected. He’d trained, learned how to say his lines without blushing like a loser, how to not get the words stuck in his throat. It’s hard doing it in front of everyone and not letting the discomfort get the better of him — and he hates himself for feeling like that, hates that he feels so unbalanced in something so beautiful and so important for his best friends. It’s easy doing it with Rock, because he is sweet and thoughtful, and when Jack starts to feel out of place he only has to look to his side, see his calming presence.

He’s still worried, though, and he doesn’t know what to do. He wants to give his best for this picture because they deserve it, all of them, all of his friends who are putting their hearts and souls into this, and every boy, every man who might come to see this picture and feel at home in it. They deserve his best. They don’t deserve his messy feelings, his discomfort.

They don’t deserve for him to push away the first time Rock has to kiss him, for him to be unable to hold him, for him to not be able to do his damn job, but he’s not sure he’ll be able to stop himself. The thought of a man holding him in the same way he holds Claire…

He hates himself a little bit.

“Are you alright?” Claire asks, at the end of his first week of shooting. It was a good week, only stressful because he made it so. Jack looks at her, sees her watch him as he fidgets with the script. It’s late at night; he thought she was asleep.

“A little nervous,” he answers, honest. He never feels the urge to lie to her, never thinks that she’d rather not know. He loves her so much.

She smiles and shuffles closer. “About the shooting?” she says, as if that’s all it was, just the usual jitters before a big shot. It’s deeper than that, and looking at her he feels like she knows it.

“Yeah,” he answers.

She nods, understanding. They had talked about it, once, in no concrete terms: she just told him about one of the actresses at the studio a few years ago, how they had been _more_ than casual friends. She never brings it up, so he doesn’t either, and he doesn’t know why he’s remembering it right now. “I think it’s normal to be nervous, but don’t let it consume you. Why don’t you talk to Rock? Or to Archie?”

It’s comforting talking to her. He smiles. “I don’t want them to think I don’t want to do it. I’d hate to make them uncomfortable.”

“I think that if you’re like that when you have to shoot you’ll make them uncomfortable regardless,” she says, pointedly. “Honestly, talk to them. I’m sure they’ll prefer it.”

He takes a deep breath. “Alright, then.”

They smile at each other, and Jack turns to put the script down on the floor beside the bed and turns off the lamp. Once in bed, he lets her hold him in her arms, her arms comforting around his belly, her breath against his ear. It never used to be like that with Hen, and he doesn’t know if that was because of him or because of her; at the time, he just knew that that was not how things were done, that he was the one meant to hold her and not the other way round. With Claire, though, it’s easy to forget about the ‘should’s. She makes it seem simple, as if there’s nothing unusual about it. She just does it, and by the time he notices, questioning is the last thing on his mind.

He’s asleep before he notices it.

Jack asks Rock if he can come over the following day, during shooting, and they agree that he comes for dinner. Apparently Archie will cook.

He appears on their step five minutes early, his hands fidgeting by his side in nerves. He’s so nervous. He wonder if Rock and Archie can tell it.

They have dinner — and it is delicious, Archie is a great cook — and they talk about the shooting the whole time. They’re so excited, that much is clear. It makes Jack blush in shame, the fact that he just can’t get his shit together for them.

At the end of it, he helps Archie gets the plates to the kitchen while Rock goes back to the living room, to go over his lines for the following day once again. Suddenly, it’s just him and Archie in the kitchen, Archie washing and Jack drying, and before Jack can even prepare for it Archie’s asking, “So, what did you want to talk to us about?” he asks, smiling so much that it doesn’t feel confrontational. “Or would you rather talk to Rock?” he adds, as an afterthought.

“No, it’s fine,” he says, without looking up. He dries the plate Archie hands him as he tries to focus on what he wants to say. “I- I’m really excited to do this movie, you know? I feel very honored that you chose to invite me,” he says.

Archie hums. “I feel like there’s a ‘but’ coming.” It doesn’t sound mean, but Jack blushes harder all the same.

“It’s not a but, exactly, it’s just that I’m really nervous.” He puts the dish towel down and looks up. Archie is not one to beat around the bush; with him, he can talk openly. “I’ve never-“ His throat is dry. “I’ve never kissed a guy before, and thinking about doing that- I just- I don’t know how I’ll react. I’m sorry Archie.” Jack looks at him, trying to figure out what he’s thinking. “I shouldn’t have come, it’s not fair to put you in this position. I’m sorry.”

He wants to leave, but he doesn’t. He stays and dries the next item Archie hands him. Jack can feel him thinking beside him, and he tries not to squirm.

“I’m glad you came here instead of this happening on set,” Archie says eventually, and Jack can feel himself blush to the tips of his ears. “I understand why you feel like that, given the world we live in and all.” Archie looks up at him and smiles, which makes Jack feel like crying in relief. “So, is there any way we can help? Maybe if you tried it first in private, take the edge off? I’d have to talk to Rock, but I’m pretty sure he’d be okay with it.”

Jack nods, relieved. He still doesn’t feel any different about having to kiss a guy, but it’s comforting to know that the first time will stay just between them. “That’d be great. Thank you Archie, so much.”

Archie nods, but Jack can feel that he’s a bit unbalanced. He reaches out to put his hand on Archie’s wrist, squeezes briefly, trying for a bit of comfort. Archie smiles, so maybe it helped.

“How about you come over on Saturday?” Archie asks. “Since we all have the afternoon off.”

“Sounds great,” Jack agrees.

He comes over next Saturday, and he’s even more nervous than before, which Jack didn’t think possible. There’s no chickening out this time, because now everyone knows what his deal is. He can’t just walk away if it gets to be too much.

Claire had said goodbye to him with a kiss on the cheek and a ‘good luck’, and Jack tries to remember her reassuring smile as he knocks on their door, as he waits for someone to open it, as he sees Rock on the other side of it. To Jack’s surprise, he seems nervous too, and somehow that’s what makes him relax a little bit.

“Come in,” Rock says, opening the door to let him in. Archie is on the couch, script in hand, and he smiles when he sees him. Jack smiles back. He sees Rock’s abandoned script on the table and gathers that they must’ve been practicing lines.

Jack stands there in front of the door, waiting for one of them to tell him what to do, choosing to focus on the floor instead of looking at either of them. Rock is standing beside him, and he seems to be expecting directions too. Archie must sense this, because he gets up.

“So, how do you guys want to go about this?” he asks, and Jack wants to say ‘however you want’, but he holds his tongue. Rock says nothing. “C’mon guys, it has to be you. You’re the ones who are going to be kissing.” Rock nods, Jack watching the movement from the corner of his eye, but neither of them say a thing. Archie laughs fondly, shaking his head. “Alright then, how about we just get to it? You can try it once or twice and then we’ll do it with the script. Sounds good?”

“Alright,” Jack says, and Rock nods and makes his way through the center of the room, so Jack follows him.

Archie sits again, in the arm of the couch this time, and grabs one of Jack’s arms to call his attention. Jack turns, feeling his heart bit fast in his chest. “You don’t have to be scared, alright? It’s just us. And it’s just a kiss. I promise you it’s not that different from what you’re used to.”

Jack nods “Alright,” he says, and his voice comes out to shaky. His heart is pounding fast. He wants to take some comfort in Archie’s words, but his stupid brain seems unable to.

“Okay,” Archie says, smiling.

“Do you want him to turn around?” Rock asks, suddenly, his voice coming out louder than he probably intended.

Jack turns back to Archie in time to watch him nod. “Oh, right. I hadn’t remembered that. I can go in the kitchen, if that’d make you more comfortable.”

“No, that’s okay,” Jack says, not really knowing what he wants. “There’ll be far more people on set.”

Archie smiles. “Alright then.”

Jack turns back to Rock, who seems to be gathering his thoughts, gaze lost somewhere behind Jack until he suddenly focuses on him. They’re standing too far apart, so Jack takes the initiative to take the first step, even though that’s the last thing he wants, and Rock moves to meet him halfway.

Rock’s hands waver by his sides as he clears his throat to say, “I’m gonna touch you now.” Jack nods, almost without noticing, and then one of his hand is on Jack’s waist, the other moving up to his shoulder, and Jack tries to breath to it. The hands are bigger than he’s used to, more stable and pressing, and Jack thinks that, so far, it is totally different from kissing a girl. Girls never grab him by the waist. “Okay?” Rock asks, and he seems earnest in trying to get him relaxed, so Jack tries to force himself to do exactly that.

“Yes,” he murmurs, voice low enough that it doesn’t come off shaky.

“You can-“ Rock starts saying, but he seems to think better of it. “Alright, I’m gonna kiss you now, alright?”

“Alright,” Jack says, and he closes his eyes because that way he doesn’t have to see him approaching.

But he feels it nonetheless, Rock’s face approaching him, their breaths eventually mixing, and he can’t say he’s totally surprised with himself when turns his head at the last moment, Rock’s lips meeting his chin instead of his mouth. Jack feels himself blush and he pulls away, opening his eyes to see Rock a bit stunned, blushing to the tip of his ears as well, and Jack is so embarrassed that all he wants to do is leave and disappear.

“I’m s-sorry,” Rock stutters, and Jack hearts breaks a little at his mortified look.

Archie gets up, remembering Jack that he’s still there, and he shoots a look at him as he goes to stand by Rock’s side, a hand coming up to stroke the back of his neck. Jack turns his head away so they can have their moment, and he’s so lost in his thoughts and his own mortification that he almost jumps when Archie touches his arm, suddenly by his side.

“Come seat,” he says. Rock is sitting at one end of the couch, and Archie makes him seat in the middle. There’s enough space for him to seat between him and Rock, but Archie chooses to seat on Jack’s other side, close enough that their knees are touching.

“I’m sorry,” Jack says, looking down at his hands.

“I know,” Archie says. “Let’s just calm down a bit. Why don’t you close your eyes, take some deep breaths, yeah?”

“Okay,” Jack agrees, doing as he’s told. It doesn’t help completely, but it does help some. He can feel the sweat in the back of his neck, down his back, in his hands. He grabs the fabric of his trousers just so he has something to focus on.

“Don’t open your eyes,” Archie says, voice soft. Jack can feel his warmth by his side, and their knees touching, but that’s all. There’s no pressure, no touching. “Why don’t you try to tell me what you’re so afraid of?” he asks.

Jack keeps his eyes closed and breaths through the question. “I don’t know,” he says, because he’s been asking himself that same question for weeks now, and he never seems to arrive at any kind of answer.

“Okay,” Archie says. Jack doesn’t open his eyes to see his expression. It’s easier to talk about this if he’s not looking. “Can I tell you what I think?”

“Yeah,” Jack agrees, and every ounce of calm he seemed to be able to gather during the last few minutes suddenly evaporates.

“I think,” Archie starts carefully, “that you’re afraid of enjoying it. The kissing.” Jack frowns, and his heart is beating so fast in his chest that Jack’s surprised it doesn’t come out. “But it’s alright if you do. It doesn’t mean anything. I _promise_ you it doesn’t mean anything. Someone kissing you and you enjoying it, it doesn’t have to mean anything. It’s just a kiss.”

Jack nods because he knows Archie will be able to see it, “But what if it does?” he asks through the lump in his throat, wondering where the words came from.

“It’s up to you to choose if it does or not. I can’t make that decision for you,” Archie says. “What I can say is that it _can_ be just a kiss. That it _can_ have no deeper meaning than that.”

Jack nods, but he doesn’t agree. He and Rock hadn’t kissed, but just from the way they touch, he knows it’s nothing like kissing a girl. It’s _not_ just a kiss. If he does enjoy it, then it means- It must mean- And if it does, where does it leave him? What does it mean to Claire? Has he been faking it all this time?

“Alright, just breathe,” Archie says, seeming to come from very far away, and Jack becomes aware of how fast his breaths are coming out. Jack can feel Archie’s weight now, leaning closer to him than before, and it doesn’t feel suffocating. It feels grounding. Slowly, Jack feels himself relax into the embrace.

As Jack grows aware of his surroundings again, he can feel Rock’s presence on his other side. He opens his eyes to see him closer than before: his head is resting next to Jack’s, back into the couch, his gaze is lost somewhere on the floor. He turns his head and is greeted with Archie’s hair against his chin, his head close to his shoulder. There’s an arm heavy on his chest.

He clears his throat, and Archie moves from the embrace to sit beside him. He doesn’t seem upset, for which Jack’s grateful.

“Feeling better?” Archie asks.

“Yes. Sorry for freaking out,” he says, blushing to his ears. He’s not as nervous anymore, but god, is he still embarrassed.

“That’s alright. Do you want to try this another day?”

Jack is tempted to say yes, but then they’d have to start all over again, and he’s already here. Might as well get to it. “I’d rather keep going, if that’s alright with you.”

Archie nods. He seems to be cooking up something. “Let’s go about this differently, then. Is it alright if you kiss me instead?”

Jack looks to the side, to where Rock is watching the conversation unfold, and remembers his mortified look when he pulled away. “That’s alright.”

Archie smiles. “Okay. Get up,” he says, getting up himself, and Jack follows him.

He’s standing in the center of the room now, back where he started, except this time he’s looking at Archie.

“I’m going to hug you, alright? You can pull away any time,” Archie says.

“Alright,” Jack says, wondering what his plan is.

They hug, one of Archie’s arms coming around his waist, the other on his shoulder, and Jack does the same. This is good, _this_ he likes. He relaxes into the hug. Archie is a bit shorter than him, only slightly. Jack closes his eyes when the hug goes on for longer than usual, and then for longer than that. He’s never hugged anyone for so long.

He almost doesn’t feel it when Archie’s lips press against his neck, but then he does it again, more firmly. Jack feels himself tense up. “Relax,” Archie says, and then they just stay hugging, and once Jack is relaxed again Archie does it again, gives him a small kiss. He doesn’t tense up this time. _Just a kiss_ , he reminds himself, and it does feel like it this time.

Archie kisses his neck again, then again, and Jack lets it happen, even as Archie kisses up his neck, even when he knows where it’ll lead. He doesn’t tense up, not too much at least, and Archie keeps going until he’s kissing Jack’s cheek, lips barely brushing against his skin. “Okay?” Archie mutters against his face.

“Yeah,” Jack answers, and it doesn’t feel like he’s faking it this time, even though his heart is pounding hard against his chest.

“Good,” Archie answers, and he kisses him again on the cheek, and again a bit lower, and again on his chin, and again on the corner of his mouth, and Jack is pretty sure he’s the one who turns his head so their lips can meet properly.

Archie keeps the kiss soft, just lips brushing against lips, and he moves his hands so he can frame Jack’s face with them. Jack can’t help but think that his hands are big, _too big_ , but pulling away barely crosses his mind. His own hands come to rest, one on Archie’s waist, the other on his bicep, everything more solid than he’s used too.

Jack’s the one who deepens the kiss, his hand curling on Archie’s waist, Archie’s hands strong on his face, Archie’s tongue in his mouth. He feels a bit drunk in it all, and he doesn’t want to pull away, so he lets Archie be the one to do it.

They breathe into each other’s cheeks. Jack feels himself blush as Archie returns to kissing his cheek.

“That wasn’t so bad, was it?” Archie asks. His hands are resting on Jack’s shoulders now.

Jack laughs, but doesn’t answer. All he can think is, _It’s nothing like kissing a girl_.

As he pulls away, Archie is smiling, and Jack smiles back. It’s nothing like kissing a girl, but it is also not the monster he made it to be. Above all, it is nice, enjoyable. He can do nice and enjoyable.

“How about we go over the script once?” Archie says, going back to sit on the couch, grabbing his script on the way.

“Fine by me,” Jack agrees, rocking a little bit in his place. He feels lighter than he has in weeks

“Rock?” Archie asks, one hand coming to stroke his knee. Rock nods, smiling, and he seems more relaxed then before as well. “Alright, let’s do this then.”

They go over the script a couple of times, Jack reading from Rock’s script since he left his at home. They have to put it down to do the scene, though — a proper Hollywood kiss scene, where the characters finally kiss after a movie of pining. How Archie managed to do a whole film about Dreamland without the characters kissing till the end, and making it work, is something that Jack is still fascinated by.

He and Rock sit side by side on the couch, Archie moving to lean against the wall, and as the script says it is Jack who initiates the kiss. It feels weird, to look at Rock, to be the one to bring a hand to his face and to be the one who closes the distance, making their lips meet. He’s nervous as he does it, heart beating fast in his chest.

Kissing Rock is different from kissing Archie, and he’s somehow taken by surprise by it, by the difference. He’s clumsier, his moves less practiced and precise, but just as insistent. Rock deepens the kiss earlier, and Jack is hopeless as he does it; all he can do is follow his lead. He must be more aware than he was when he kissed Archie, because now he feels Rock’s stubble under his hand and under his lips, feels the smell of his cologne. He wonder if he’ll smell like them when he gets home, and that leaves him feeling breathless. He was to pull away earlier than intended, to try to catch his breath, and he knows his blushing again. Rock seems a little out of breath too, so at least it isn’t just him.

Archie is smiling at them when Jack turns to look at him. He asks if they want to go over the scene again, and Jack is agreeing without even thinking about it, even though they can practice some other time.

So they do it again, and Jack is again the one to pull them together, but it feels more natural this time. His hand starts at Rock’s cheek again, but it somehow ends up in his hair, fingers tangled in his short hair. Rock pushes him into the cushions, just slightly, but it takes his breath away again. He’s so _huge_ , all muscle above Jack. He doesn’t stop the kiss this time, though. He lets Rock be the one to do it, as the script says, and then Jack somehow manages to able to say the rest of his lines. Rock’s hair is all messed up, his cheeks are pink, his lips redder than before, and Jack can only imagine how he himself looks. They kiss again, and then Archie says, jokingly, “Cut!” It feels like he’s screaming in Jack’s ears, even though he barely lifted his voice.

Jack lets Rock be the one to pull away again, and they stare at each other for a moment. Jack is trying to figure out if he’s uncomfortable, but he seems fine; he wonders if Rock is trying to check the same thing on him.

Archie is looking at him weirdly, and Jack tries not to dwell on that, tries not to figure out what it means. He asks to go to the bathroom just so he can spread so water on his face, to try to calm himself down. He’s not nervous anymore, but his heart is beating like he is. _Not the time_ , he reminds himself. He can bring his doubts home with him.

He tries to play it cool once he comes out, smiles at them and says his goodbyes. And only once he’s out the door does he let himself become aware of how fucking hard he is.

They film the scene a few weeks later and it goes well, better than he ever expected. They only need to do a couple of takes, and by the end of it, Ray seems happy and Archie seems proud, which is what really matters.

Jack’s getting changed to go home when Rock comes to check in on him. He’s got a faint blush on his cheeks and his hair is a little mussed, just like Jack made it that time; Jack’s suddenly all too aware that Rock had probably been with Archie before coming here.

“I just wanted to come check in on you before going home,” Rock says. “I really enjoyed doing this with you.”

Jack smiles. “Me too. Thank you for everything.”

They smile at each other. Jack can feel a blush rise up on his cheeks as they just stay there, looking at each other, and Rock chuckles at it. “Anyway,” Rock starts,” I just wanted to come here to say… What Archie said last time, about it not having to mean anything you don’t want it to mean? He’s right, you know. I had a good time, and I hope you had too, but that can be all it is.”

Jack smiles at his feet, a bit self-conscious. “Thanks, man.” He wants to say more. Jack looks around, but Rock is the only one there. If he can’t trust him, who can he trust? “It’s just… I don’t think it was meaningless to me. Kissing you, I- I don’t know where to go from here.”

Rock reaches for his arm, squeezing. “You have time to figure it out. If you need any help, just come to us, yeah? Apparently, Archie knows a place,” he says, laughter on his voice, and it must be some kind of inside joke between them. Jack can’t understand it, but that’s a feeling he’s used to.

“Yeah,” he says. Rock smiles at him and says his goodbyes.

As Jack stands there, he wonders how many times Dreamland will change his life.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
